


Something to Believe In

by desperately_seeking_words



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-21 14:44:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6055441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/desperately_seeking_words/pseuds/desperately_seeking_words
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After finding out the truth about Cas, Dean and Sam cook up a plan to break through Lucifer's defenses and speak to Cas directly.  However, once Dean is inside Cas's mind, he's not only confronted with some of the angel's darkest memories, but also the reality that Cas might not want to come back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something to Believe In

**Author's Note:**

> This is the most ambitious fic I've written in years. Some of the pieces didn't fall into place quite as well as I had hoped, and I know the sensory detail needs a bit of work, but I'm very happy with the ending.
> 
> The fic is named after the song "Something to Believe In" by Poison. If this were an episode, that's the classic rock song I would play at the end.
> 
> This could be read as Destiel, or it could be read as friendship. It's up to you, really.

Sam had tried to convince Dean that it might not be a good idea to go digging around in Cas’s head, but once the elder Winchester has his mind set on something, there is no convincing him otherwise.

Cas needed them. End of story.

They gathered the supplies and set the trap for Lucifer, which of course was ineffectual. The Devil stood just to the right of the ring of holy oil Sam had poured and gave the brothers a patronizing smile.

“So close, no matter how far,” he intoned lightly.

Sam sneered at him and Dean balked at the Metallica reference before feeling his blood turn to ice.

“Did you really think this would work?” Lucifer asked, pacing around the unlit circle of holy oil. “Luckily for you, you’ve piqued my interest.” He smiled at Dean, and it was so wrong to see that expression on Cas’s face. “If you really want to play mind games, Dean…”

Lucifer jumped into the circle and raised eyebrows expectantly. “Go ahead, boys. Spring your trap.”

The brothers exchanged glances before Sam flipped open his lighter and dropped it into the oil.

The flames danced all around Lucifer, and the red glow made his empty eyes look every bit as evil as their occupant.

“I must warn you, though. Castiel has been around for billions of years: that means billions of years of memories, and I have him tucked away in an infinite loop of the worst single minute of his entire existence.” Lucifer chuckled. “With that math, I don’t have to tell you what your odds of finding him are.”

“Oh, I’ll find him,” Dean snapped. “So you better kiss your ass good-bye because this is your eviction notice, pal.”

Lucifer shook his head. “I’d like to see you try.” He raised his arms up. “Come on, then. Hit me with your best shot.”

Dean closed his eyes as Sam recited the incantation. The next time he opened his eyes, he was faced with a blue sky instead of the Devil in his best friend’s body.

“That was foolish,” Cas reprimanded.

Dean grinned. That was way quicker than he expected. “Yeah, well, desperate times call for desperate-”

“Oh, please, Castiel. I was just messing with the boy.”

Dean whipped around at the sound of the other familiar voice and had his suspicions confirmed. Uriel.

Cas stood close to Dean and faced Uriel. They were standing in what looked like a desert. Cas got up in Uriel’s face, and the way the air crackled with power around him was impossible to miss. “We do not threaten Sam Winchester.”

“Why not? A little fear might do the boy good. Insolent ape thinks-”

“Enough!” Cas demanded.

“Don’t tell me you’ve grown a soft spot for the demon spawn.”

Cas said nothing.

“No,” Uriel changed his mind with a smug grin. “Not him. The other one.”

Cas grabbed Uriel by the lapels of his blazer and hauled him close. “I do not-”

“Castiel.”

Cas froze and immediately released Uriel.

Dean tensed and searched wildly for the source of that voice: the smarmy douche bag he ganked several years prior. Sure enough, Zachariah looked just as condescending and self-righteous as Dean remembered.

“Leave us, Uriel.” Zachariah smiled at the aforementioned angel. Uriel acquiesced.

“Apologies,” Cas muttered, looking down and away from his brother. “I...lost my temper.”

Zachariah nodded his head. “Indeed. And that, Castiel, is precisely our problem.”

Cas glanced up at Zachariah through his eyelashes. “Meaning?”

“It’s very human.”

Cas set his jaw. “Even God feels anger.”

“But it is not in our nature to feel angry over something so trivial.” Zachariah moved closer. Dean was beginning to understand where Castiel learned the inability to respect personal space. “You are a pawn, a soldier, and soldiers follow orders without question or emotion. If you feel angry over something as insignificant as this, then perhaps…”

Cas frowned. “Are you questioning my ability to lead? To follow?”

“Maybe,” Zachariah admitted. He jabbed a finger in Cas’s chest. “Don’t let Dean Winchester get to you, or it will be your undoing.”

In the next instant, Zachariah was gone, and Dean was left alone standing next to Cas as he knew him before they were really friends. Cas stared past Dean, and the latter turned to follow his gaze.

They were standing next to the Grand Canyon.

Dean’s breath caught in his throat at the beauty of it all. He had to drag his eyes back to his friend’s face, where he could see the beginnings of fear and doubt lingering in those baby blues. Dean tried not to think of what that meant; he tried not to think about how this was close to the beginning of Cas’s journey towards free will and all of the pain that went along with it.

“Well.” Dean looked back at the Grand Canyon. “This can’t be it.”

He started to walk away, when he thought he heard something. Words.

He paused and turned back. “Did you say something?”

Cas kept his back to Dean and said nothing. Dean shook his head, and when he turned back around, the scene had changed.

He was face-to-face with himself in Lisa’s backyard.

Memory Dean was raking leaves. The sound of it was almost soothing. He could remember this day somewhat, but what he couldn’t remember was Castiel being there.

Quickly glancing around, he was able to locate his feathered friend standing a little ways away watching his past self intently.

Dean’s heart thudded in his chest. He remembered when Cas had been hanging around invisible to the human eye, and it was a difficult time to think about.

“What the hell is this?” Dean asked, not being a passive observer this time. He walked up to Cas and got in his personal space. “Cas, tell me, what the hell is this?”

Cas continued to stare at the Dean that was raking leaves. Frustrated, Dean started to walk away in search of a different memory.

“This is the moment I realized how far I was willing to go.”

Dean whipped around to look at him. “For what?”

“For you.” Cas looked at Dean, finally making eye contact with the real Dean, for the briefest of moments. It sent a chill up and down Dean’s spine. “To keep you safe. Happy.”

“Ah, Castiel. Angel of Thursday. Just not your day, is it?”

Castiel’s gaze moved away from Dean’s, and the moment was broken.

Crowley. Dean took a deep, shuddering breath. This had to be the moment Cas made the deal with him.

Dean turned around and began walking towards the house. He refused to stand by and be a witness to this moment that set off such a horrible chain of events. With a backwards glance at Cas as the angel followed Crowley out of the yard, Dean went through the back door of the house, which only took him into yet another memory.

This time, he was following a cursed Cas as he fled a barn and dodged gunfire.

Dean jumped in surprise and then took a deep breath before taking off after the angel. This was going to be a long day.

* * *

Sam sat cross legged on the floor in front of the ring of fire. Dean lay on the ground next to him, and he had a book open in his hands.

“Whatcha reading?”

Sam ignored Lucifer and turned another page.

“Come on, Sam. I’m bored waiting for your brother to fail.”

Sam glared up at him.

Lucifer rolled his eyes. “Fine. What do I care. I suppose I could spend my time trying to make things even more difficult for Dean...”

Sam groaned. “ _Paradise Lost_.”

Lucifer glowered at him. “Interesting choice.”

“Yeah, well, I like how this one ends,” Sam said with a grin.

There was a long gap in the conversation in which the only sound was that of Sam turning the pages.

“Why don’t we just talk?”

Sam shook his head. “Nope.”

“Come on. There’s nothing you want to talk about?”

Sam gritted his teeth before slamming his book shut. He looked up at Lucifer. “You know what? I do have one question.”

Lucifer sat down cross legged, mirroring Sam, in the ring of fire. “Shoot.”

“If I’m your one true vessel, why were you so willing to kill me?”

Lucifer grinned. “Seeing as it’s maintained by another angel, this vessel is pretty resilient even though it isn’t you.” He looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully. “In fact, I’d hazard to say it’s better.”

Sam frowned.

“What, jealous?” Lucifer asked with a smirk.

“Not a chance,” Sam said, laughing as he opened his book once again. “Would you like me to read to you what happens at the end of this book?”

Lucifer narrowed his eyes.

“I was just getting to the good part where Michael foretells your complete and utter defeat.”

Lucifer snapped his fingers, and the book burst into flames.

“Hey!” Sam cried out, dropping the book and jumping away. “What the hell?”

Lucifer shrugged and looked away with a smug smile.  "Life doesn't always imitate art."

* * *

Dean sat on a bar stool and stared at a very human Cas as the latter sucked down a beer in record time. Dean would be impressed if he weren’t so frustrated.

“You gotta help me here, man. I’ve run through memory after memory. I saw the Tower of Babel. I saw Egypt. I saw you kill Balthazar, which has got to be about as dark and miserable as it gets along with a whole lot of other things…” Dean trailed off, and Cas ordered another beer. Dean shook his head. “I can’t even drink with you, this is just wrong.”

“Hey,” a man said to Cas’s left.

Dean leaned back to get a glimpse of the man. It was a biker dude. Completely decked out in leather and sporting an amazing beard, the man looked at Cas with knowing eyes. Dean immediately didn’t trust him.

“Do you have a place to stay?”

Dean burst into laughter. “Dude, seriously? You gotta work on your pick up lines, pal…”

Cas frowned over his beer. “I don’t go home with strangers. That didn’t work out so well for me the last time.”

“Good for you, Cas,” Dean said.

The man leaned closer. “I’ve been noticing you around lately, sleeping in alleys and on park benches. Look, I know what it’s like to be homeless.”

Dean sighed and looked away. Homeless. Because Dean kicked him out.

“Homeless,” Cas repeated.

“Right. To have no one. No friends, no family…”

Cas swallowed hard. “No friends. No family.”

“Yeah.”

Dean let his head fall onto the bar and squeezed his eyes shut tight.

“So, if you want, you can crash with me for a bit.”

Cas took another rather large gulp from his beer. “I had family.”

The man nodded. “Must be hard, losing them.”

“They don’t want me.”

Dean sat up straight as if someone had run an electric current through him.

“My brothers and sisters,” Cas continued, “they...disowned me.”

 _Oh_ , Dean thought. _Right. Heaven. Angels_.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” the man assured him.

Cas nodded. “I’m just tired.” He pushed his empty glass away and looked at the biker. “I’d like to take you up on your offer.”

Dean felt red hot panic rising in him. “No, not good, Cas, don’t.”

The man smiled. “Sure thing.”

The two got up and moved towards the exit. Dean remained sitting there and watched them go. Perhaps he was a good guy that just wanted to help.

Or maybe he was an angel out for Cas’s head.

Dean swallowed hard and got up to follow them even though he knew that going through the door would likely send him into another memory.

Yet, when he passed through, he only emerged in the parking lot. He breathed deeply of the crisp night air and let it out in a white puff. Cas and the biker dude weren’t anywhere in sight. Then there was a crashing sound off to his right, and he ran in the direction of it.

“Cas!” Dean shouted. He wasn’t sure why he was so concerned. These were memories. Cas obviously had survived whatever encounter this was…

He turned the corner only to find Cas pinning the biker to the wall. “Who are you?” Cas growled.

The biker struggled beneath him. “Steve,” he gasped out.

“What do you want from me?”

“I don’t know what you’re-”

Cas produced his angel blade and pressed it to the skin of the biker’s throat. Steve’s eyes turned black.

“So that’s how you want to play it, huh?” Steve laughed. “There are a lot of powerful beings that would love to have your head, you know,” he told him.

Cas pressed the blade harder. “Did you really think this would work?”

The demon shrugged. “Honestly? Yeah. Anyone with eyes could see that you’re vulnerable.”

 _Wrong thing to say_ , Dean thought as he saw Cas’s gaze darken.

Without a second thought, Cas drove the angel blade deep through the demon’s soft palate. The demon fell to the ground, and Cas watched with a somber expression.

“Vulnerable,” Cas spat. “ _Vulnerable._ ”

Dean watched him and said nothing.

“How could you do this, Dean?”

Dean’s mouth hung open. “I don’t-”

“I’m vulnerable,” Cas yelled. “Homeless. No friends. No family.”

Cas threw the angel blade to the ground in a fit of uncharacteristic rage and then fell to his knees, breathing heavily.

“The one time _I_ depend on _you_ and you just…” Cas shook his head, staring at the cold concrete beneath him.  

Dean backed away.

Cas collected himself. “So this is what it means to be human,” he muttered. “Vulnerability and disappointment.” His shoulders sagged, and he looked back at the corpse. With a deep sigh, Cas moved towards it wearing a pinched expression of distaste and rummaged through the man’s pockets before finding his wallet.

Dean’s eyes stung. “Oh, Cas…you’re better than this...”

Cas opened the wallet. “Steve,” he recalled aloud as he flipped through the man’s cash and credit cards.

Dean couldn’t watch anymore. He turned tail and fled back into the bar, which caused the scene to change again.

It was a dark warehouse this time, and Dean could barely see anything. “Cas?” He called out, even though he knew it was likely no use. His voice echoed back to him eerily in the open space: “Cas?...Cas?...Cas?”

Dean’s foot caught on something, and he nearly lost his footing. He frowned as he continued forward, but then his foot caught again, and this time he wasn’t so lucky. He fell onto something that felt suspiciously like a person. Dean’s skin crawled as he tried to push up off of the cold, still body.

Suddenly, overhead lights flickered on, and Dean was face-to-face with his own corpse.

Dean yelped and crawled away, only to back into something else: another body. Dean turned to look, and the other body wore his face too. Dean stood up and whirled around, realizing that the room was filled with hundreds of copies of him. Dead.

“What the hell…?”

Dean weaved his way through the dead copies, desperate to find a door. Whatever this was, Dean didn’t want to know. Seeing a door on the far wall, Dean picked up the pace and sprinted towards it, eager to leave that memory as soon as possible. Anything had to be better than this.

When he emerged panting on the other side, he figured he had found a brief moment of respite: he was back in the bunker. Dean sighed with relief. “Home, sweet home.”

The relief soon turned to tension when he heard the sound of a struggle. Dean frowned. The bunker was rarely the scene of conflict. He moved towards the sound as the conflict intensified. He could hear something being _slammed_ against-

“Oh God,” Dean choked out in sudden realization.

He took off in a sprint in direction of the sounds. He tore down the hall towards the library, and when he got there, he saw just what he feared he would.

“Next time, I won’t miss!”

Cas lay beaten bloody on the ground and wordlessly stared after the other Dean as he walked away.  The other Dean's echoing footsteps, the slamming of the bunker door as he left, and the real Dean's labored breathing were the only sounds heard.

With dread holding his heart in an icy grip, Dean ran to Cas’s side. There was blood everywhere, and Cas’s angel blade remained embedded in the book near his head. Cas stared at it blankly, his throat working around a lump in such a human way that Dean ached.

“This is it, isn’t it?” Dean asked in a broken whisper as he dropped to his knees at his friend’s side. “This is where he’s keeping you. The real you, not just some fragment from a memory...he’s forcing you to relive the moment I almost- that I- in an infinite loop, _Jesus_...”

Dean held his head in his hands for a moment to collect himself. He carded his hands through his hair as he looked up, and he noticed a lone tear tracking its way down through the blood on Cas’s face, blood that he put there. He had never seen the angel cry before. It pained him in a way that he could not have ever imagined.

“God, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’ll say it over and over again and it’ll never be enough.” Dean reached shaking hands towards Cas and half expected him to flinch. He didn’t. It was like he didn’t even noticed that Dean was there. “But I need you to look at me,” Dean pleaded as he cradled Cas’s cheek in one hand and pulled his face gently so that he was looking towards Dean. Cas stared through him. “I need you to hear me.”

Dean took a deep breath. “I need you to come back, man. It’s...it’s too hard, doing this without you. I don’t know what happened to make you say yes, and I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. Please.”

Cas blinked, and Dean exhaled sharply.

“Dean…” His voice was so small.

“Yeah? Cas?” Dean was breathless.

Cas finally looked at him, really looked at him. “Do you understand why this is the worst moment in my entire existence?”

That felt like a punch to the gut. “Well, well yeah, Cas, what I did- there aren’t- I’m so-”

“If you had killed me,” Cas interrupted, “you would’ve been lost to the Mark forever.”

Dean frowned.

“And I was helpless, powerless to do anything but beg you to stop, and I would die knowing that I was the one that pushed you over that edge.”

“No-” Dean gasped out, but he couldn’t find any other words.

“But you did stop, didn’t you?” Cas’s eyes filled with a deep admiration that Dean couldn’t bear. “And it wasn’t on me. It was you, your sheer strength of will, that gave you the moment of clarity you needed to walk away.” Cas smiled sadly. “I was useless.”

Dean shook his head vigorously and choked on the words he couldn’t find.

“In this moment, as I watched you leave…” Cas trailed off for a moment as his eyes moved away from Dean’s. “I vowed to never feel that useless again.”

Cas reached up and wrapped his fingers around the wrist of Dean’s hand that cradled his face. “And then I met Amara, and I knew. I knew I couldn’t stop her. I wasn’t strong enough. I would never be as strong as you needed me to be.” He pulled Dean’s hand down and away from him before releasing it.

“No. Cas. Stop,” Dean begged.

“And then Lucifer gave me an opportunity.”

“An _opportunity_? That’s insane, Cas, please, you have to _fight_ -”

“He gave me an opportunity to be useful. And I took it.” Cas turned his face away, once again staring after where the other Dean had walked away just moments before. “If he can save you, and Sam, and the world...that’s all that matters.”

“It’s not!” Dean shouted. He grasped Cas’s shoulders. “It’s not all that matters! Damn it, Cas! _You_ matter!” Dean gave him a firm shake. “Fight! Fight him!”

But Cas didn’t respond. He was slipping back into the memory.

“You can’t do this!” Dean’s voice was cracking now. “You can’t just give up…” Nothing. Dean shook his head and tried to fight the tears that threatened to fall. “Please...Cas…”

Dean twisted his hands up in Cas’s coat and squeezed his eyes shut tight so he wouldn’t have to look at his broken friend anymore. Lucifer had really done it. Cas didn’t want to come back.

“Well, well...isn’t this touching?”

Dean looked up sharply. Standing where the other Dean had not too long ago was Lucifer.

“Truly,” Lucifer said with a smirk, “if I weren’t above such lowly human emotions, I’d be moved.”

“Get out,” Dean snapped, but the malice he intended was muffled by the tears stuck in his throat.

Lucifer chuckled. “You’re sounding a lot less cocky than you did earlier,” he observed. “What, did you fail to convince him? You came all this way for nothing?”

Dean slowly released Cas and rose to stand. “If he won’t fight you, I will.”

Lucifer clucked his tongue. “Oh Dean, what makes you think you’ll do any better against me?” He was on Dean in an instant, clutching his throat in his hand. He gave Dean’s throat a tight squeeze. “How does it feel? Knowing that this is all your fault?”

Dean grabbed at Lucifer’s wrists and pulled to no avail.

“I really must thank you, because without you, Cas would have never felt so worthless that he would need to let me in just to give his life some semblance of purpose.” Lucifer grinned.

“Look at him.” Dean didn’t move his eyes from Lucifer’s. “Look at him!” Lucifer demanded. In a moment of weakness, Dean did as he was told. Cas stared blankly ahead, his eyes empty and hopeless. Dean quickly tore his gaze away.

“You and your brother utterly destroyed Castiel; in fact, I’d be impressed if I weren’t so disgusted.” Lucifer shook his head. “An angel beaten into submission by a despicable mud monkey such as you.” He clucked his tongue again. “Disgraceful.”

Lucifer threw Dean to the ground, where he slid into the massive pile of books in the center of the room.

“So, what’s to be done with you, hmm?” Lucifer mused. “Maybe I should let you go so you can wallow in your own misery until I’m ready to take on Amara.” Lucifer laughed and shook his head. “But that’s so...boring.”

Lucifer towered over Dean, and the hunter was helpless to do anything but look up at the Devil. “Why not get creative?” He squatted down on his haunches and grinned down at Dean. “I could just keep you here for a while. Let your body lie unconscious out there until I need it. Sam could cry over his poor, stupid, good-intentioned brother while I keep your mind locked up in the memory of your quick-tempered alter ego, doomed to beat the angel that gave everything for you half to death until I get bored of it.” Lucifer nodded to himself in satisfaction as Dean stared at him in horror. “How poetic.”

Dean finally allowed the tears to fall as he watched Lucifer reach out to him to make his nightmare scenario a reality.

Until, that is, Lucifer was tackled by a tan-colored blur.

Dean stared in shock as Castiel pinned Lucifer to the ground.

“Look who is finally showing a little spunk!” Lucifer cackled.

“You leave Dean out of this,” Cas growled.

“Aw, come on, where’s the fun in that?” Lucifer tossed Cas off of him and brushed himself off as he stood.

Cas rose on unsteady legs and fixed Lucifer with a glare. The blood was gone from his face, and Dean was thankful to see it go. “I’m going to say it one more time. Leave. Him. Out of this.”

Lucifer raised his eyebrows. “Or what?”

“Or I’ll cast you out.”

Lucifer guffawed. Dean bristled at the sound of it. “Oh please, brother, spare me your empty threats. You don’t have it in you.”

“We shall see.”

Dean tried to pull himself up off the ground as angel and archangel went at it, but he found that he was hurting all over. It didn’t make much sense to him since this was all happening inside Cas’s head. Dean knew that’s when Sam would pipe in with some psychology mumbo jumbo.

Cas connected with Lucifer’s jaw, and the latter looked pleased as they began to circle around each other. “I gotta hand it to you, Castiel. I thought I had finally broken you, and here you are, still fighting. It’d be inspiring if it weren’t so pointless.”

Cas lunged at him once more, but Lucifer dodged his attack and managed to kick him to the ground.

“For your sake, stay down,” Lucifer sneered.

Dean watched as Cas pulled himself up to all fours and pushed up to stand again. Dean mirrored him, finding the strength in himself to do the same.

“This is your last chance, Lucifer. Let him go free, or I will cast you out.”

“Ooo, scary!” Lucifer exclaimed, delighted, as his hands flew to his face in mock terror. “Sorry, no dice.” He lowered his hands to cross over his chest and pouted. “You’re no fun.”

Cas raised his hand up towards Lucifer, and his eyes started to glow. Dean stood behind Cas and watched over his shoulder, muttering “come on, come on” under his breath.

Lucifer, however, remained unaffected. He feigned a yawn to emphasize this. “That the best you got?”

Cas frowned and lowered his hand, disheartened.

Lucifer sighed. “Like I said, you just don’t have it in you. You’re not even half the angel you used to be.” He smiled. “You alone don’t have the power to cast me out.”

“He ain’t alone.”

Lucifer’s smile vanished as he watched Dean step up to stand at Cas’s side. Cas watched him, awestruck, and Dean never looked away from his gaze as he laced their fingers together and held on tightly.

“Give ‘im hell, Cas,” Dean whispered.

They broke their eye contact simultaneously, and Cas raised his hand up once more. The glow was stronger this time as Cas drew strength from Dean, and Dean could hear the familiar ringing in his ears that was typical of angelic encounters.

Lucifer gaped at the two of them. “Oh come on, you’ve got to be _kidding_ -”

Dean covered his eyes with his free arm as the light got to be too much, but his other hand squeezed Cas’s tightly, as if he were afraid of what might happen if he let go.

The white overwhelmed Dean until everything went black.

* * *

“Dean? Dean!”

Dean roused to the sound of Sam calling his name. He tried to lift his head and groaned when he realized that he was just as sore in the outside world as he had been in Cas’s head.

 _Cas_.

“Easy, easy,” Sam said, his voice warm with concern.

Dean’s eyes fluttered open, and he blinked as his vision focused. The person leaning over him wasn’t Sam.

“Cas?” Dean breathed out. His heart thudded and his stomach clenched.

Cas’s expression of concern relaxed, and he gave Dean a small smile. “Hello, Dean.”

Dean managed a small laugh before sitting up and throwing his arms around Cas’s shoulders. He held the angel tight and laughed into Cas’s shoulder. “Damn it’s good to see you.” He hesitated. “Lucifer?”

Cas embraced him just as tightly. “Gone. Dean, I’m sorry-”

“Hey,” Dean admonished, pulling back far enough to look Cas in the eye. “No. Don’t be sorry.” He sighed. “I get it. God knows I do.”

“I’m useless in this fight.”

Dean shook his head. “No.”

“I can’t defeat Amara,” Cas insisted.

“Join the club,” Dean fired back. “It doesn’t matter. Not to me.” Dean smiled. “It’s been a long day. Let’s just get you home.”

Cas looked up at Sam, who was beaming down at him, before looking back to Dean. His smile widened as he nodded. “Home.”

* * *

Dean leaned against the counter as Sam worked in the kitchen making a pot of tea. Dean watched his brother work in contented silence.

Sam looked up from the teapot and met Dean’s gaze. He smiled at his older brother before looking back down to pour the hot water into the teacup in front of him.

“You did it,” Sam commented as he poured the water. “You got Cas to fight.”

“It was real touch and go there for a minute,” Dean admitted. “Lucifer really did a number on him, Sammy. He really thought that he shouldn’t fight. That his life meant nothing if he couldn’t stop Amara.”

“But you convinced him otherwise.”

Dean frowned. “No, I’m not sure that I did.” He sighed. “He fought back because Lucifer threatened me.” Dean shook his head. “He didn’t fight back for himself, he fought back for me.”

Sam nodded, his brow creasing in worry. “Okay, but it’s a start. Now that Lucifer is gone, Cas has the chance to heal.”

“Right,” Dean agreed, but he sounded unsure as he stared down at the counter.

Sam walked over and nudged Dean with his elbow. “You should talk to him.”

Dean snorted. “I’ve spent the better half of the day walking around in his head. I think he’s probably feeling that he has bared enough to me for one lifetime.”

Sam huffed a laugh. “Maybe.” He offered Dean the cup of tea. “But maybe not.”

Dean sighed again as he took the teacup. “Yeah, alright,” he relented and walked in the direction of Sam’s room.

* * *

Cas felt a strange sense of deja vu as he lounged on Sam’s bed with Netflix on the TV in front of him. He maneuvered the remote until The Walking Dead appeared on his screen, but before he could press play, there was a knock at the door.

Dean stuck his head in before slipping in and gently closing the door behind him. “Hey,” he greeted. “Sam, uh, made tea,” he said, lifting up the teacup in his hand.

“That was nice of him,” Cas commented.

“Yeah,” Dean said as he walked over to stand by the nightstand next to the bed. “It’s for you,” he added as he held the cup out to Cas, in case that wasn’t already clear.

Cas smiled as he accepted the tea and took a sip. “I’ll be sure to thank him.”

Dean nodded, suddenly at a loss for words.

Cas squinted at him. “Is there something else, Dean?”

Dean took a deep breath and let it out slowly before lowering himself to sit on the bed beside Cas. “Yeah, there is.”

Cas set the tea on the nightstand and turned to look at Dean with concern in his eyes. “What is it? Is it Amara?”

Dean frowned. “What? No, Cas, it’s _you_.”

Cas looked away.

“We need to talk about this, this, problem.” Dean struggled to get his words out as he gestured wildly with his hands. “You’re not well, Cas.”

“I’m fine.”

“No. If you were fine, you would have never said yes to him.”

“You said that it didn’t matter why I said yes,” Cas snapped.

“That was before I found out it was because you don’t have an ounce of self-worth left in you.” Dean shook his head. “I should’ve seen it coming, I mean, even before I walked through your head and saw all of the evidence right there. I didn’t understand until Lucifer laid it out for me.” Dean inched closer and searched Cas’s face, willing the angel to look at him once more. “Is that really what you think? That you aren’t worth-”

“You’re one to talk,” Cas hissed as he turned to face Dean once more.

“This isn’t about me, damn it,” Dean insisted desperately. “I know I haven’t been the best role model, and I know I haven’t done a very good job of showing you how much you mean to me because Sam and I are usually so twisted up in whatever messed up crap we've gotten ourselves into, but I’m here now telling you.” Dean refused to look away. “You’re not important.”

Cas looked stricken.

“You’re _vital_ ,” Dean corrected. “But me tellin’ you that ain’t gonna be enough to pull you out of this. It’s gotta be you.”

Cas’s lips trembled, and he looked away, pressing his mouth into a straight line to hide his weakness. “Lucifer was right, I’m not even half the angel I used to be.”

“Maybe, maybe not, but you’re twice the man.” Dean reached out and grasped Cas’s shoulder. “You can do this. It’ll take a lot of work, and sometimes it’ll seem hopeless, but I have faith in you. I always did.”

Cas smiled. “I will work on it if you will.”

Dean returned the smile. “I’ll try.”

“‘Do, or do not; there is no try,’” Cas quipped as he turned to look at Dean once more.

Dean laughed. “Okay, Yoda.” His smile widened. “Okay.”

Dean stood, and as he did so, his hand lingered on Cas’s shoulder. “I’ll leave you to your zombies,” he told him before patting his shoulder and turning to walk away.

“Dean,” Cas called out.

Dean paused at the door and looked at Cas over his shoulder. “Yeah?”

“Thank you,” Cas said, and his eyes were filled with fondness. “For coming after me.”

Dean nodded. “Always,” he responded, and he meant it.

Dean walked out, and Cas pressed play. Cas smiled and burrowed himself a little deeper in Sam’s pillows, making himself at home, because he was.

Dean joined his brother in the kitchen and they cracked open a few beers. If Dean smiled a bit too much because they finally had Cas back safe and sound, Sam didn’t say anything.

It was nice to have this one victory. Even if the entire world outside was still shrouded in Darkness, the Winchesters managed to find a reason to hope.


End file.
